U.S. National Debt Clock : Real Time

U.S. National Debt Clock : Real Time.

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The Dingaling Ticket

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he’s in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name.  “Fred,” he replies.

Fred what?” the officer asks. “Just Fred,” the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that  he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

“Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The man replies, “It’s a long story so stay with me.

I was born Fred Dingaling.  I know, funny last name.  The kids used to tease me all the time.  So I stayed to myself.  I studied hard and got good grades.  When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.  Dentistry was my dream.  Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.  I got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.  She gave me VD.  So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.  Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.  Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I’m just Fred.”  ………

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Who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’
 

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,  Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip  Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
 

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.
   

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
   

Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.
   

 

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

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Stages of Drunkenness

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

STAGE 1: SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are “smart”. Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

STAGE 2: HANDSOME/PRETTY
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the centre of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

STAGE 3: RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armoured truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.

STAGE 4: BULLETPROOF
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.

STAGE 5: INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can’t see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won’t remember.

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Brit Humor/Humour

 

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.

Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. 
 
 Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.
 
 The USA is sending troops to help. 
 
 Saudi Arabia is sending oil. 
 
 Latin American countries are sending supplies. 
 
 New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. 
 
 The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding theinfrastructure. 
 
 Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. 
 
 GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone,  is sending two million replacement muslims. 


 God Bless GREAT BRITAIN….  Damn, those Brits are smart !!

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The Gentle Gordon

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Derby Drama

TO  ALL  RACING  FANS   HORSE RACE DERBY COMMENTARY

BY DICKIE UNDERWOOD

HORSE RACE

In lane 1. Passionate Lady In lane 2. Bare Belly In lane 3. Silk Panties In lane 4. Conscience In lane 5. Jockey Shorts In lane 6. Clean Sheets In lane 7. Thighs In lane 8. Big Dick In lane 9. Heavy Bosom In lane 10. Merry Cherry AND THEY’RE OFF!!! Conscience is left behind at the gate.  Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.  Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is knocking on the door. AT THE HALFWAY MARK: It’s Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is moving in.  Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.  Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.  Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick. AT THE STRETCH: Merry Cherry pops under the strain.  Bare Belly is making a final push.  Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming. AT THE FINISH: It’s Big Dick giving everything he’s got  and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.  It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head… Bare Belly shows… Thighs weakens… Heavy Bosom pulls up.. And Clean Sheets never had a chance.

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