Recycled Jokes

I said they were recycled… but. I’ll add new ones regularly

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Hear the one about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? He would lie awake at night and ponder the existence of dog.

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This is why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside. “Guido, he says, I wan’ you lissina me.

I wan’ you to take- a my chroma plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, you gonna have a lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Time’s Up’?”

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Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.

“They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.”

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

“Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?” The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied. “Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?” “No, it’s turned black.”

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IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I’d like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It’s my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!
Clerk: I’ll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn’t mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don’t have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I’ll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy paint and don’t use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don’t, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible happens if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these “Paint on sale from $10 a litre” signs?
Clerk: Well that’s for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I’ll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don’t think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won’t be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That’s if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you’ll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we’ll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you’re getting it now, sir.
Customer: You’re insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with us today!

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A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, “Here’s your husband!” The man’s wife says, “Where’s his wheelchair?”

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Letter home from school…

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

A week later….. a letter from “home”

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

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A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he asks. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You bastard!!!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?”

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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

“Well, I’m curious,” begged the man, “how long have you been wearing an earring?”

“Uhm, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

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COMMENTS MADE BY COPS

-“You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
-“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
-“If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
-“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
-“Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
-“You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
-“Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
-“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
-“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
-“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
-“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
-“In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.”  (National Crime Information Center)
-“Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
-“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
-“I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
-“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

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When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.

“Crutches???” the doctor asked

“Well, yes,” the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”

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Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

 After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave, who had only one feather in his headdress, “Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?” His reply was, “Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather.” She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, “Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws.” Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

 Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, “Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?” The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, “Me Chief. Me fuck-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me fuck-em all.” Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, “You ought to be hung!” The Chief replied, “You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake.” Ms. Walters cried, “You don’t have to be so goddamned hostile!” The Chief replied, “Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!” With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, “Oh dear.” The Chief said, “No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer!”

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Hear about the guy who played a blank tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

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A teacher said to her little student Suzy, “Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry.”

Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, “Let’s see. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!”

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A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought “Wow, these gals really have it nice.”

A little more boldly he then pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. “Aha!” he thought “No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services.” So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. “Man this is great” he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, “Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow.”

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Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.” The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house.” The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver a CL63 AMG to her.”

The fourth said, “You know how Mamma loved reading the bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays their mother sent out Thank You notes. She wrote:

“Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me and expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

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Man sitting in the pub with his wife and he said “I love you” She said “Is that you or the beer talking?” He replied “It’s me talking to the beer!”

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A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole. He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies: “Aye, there’s a piece of shyt on the end of your driver”. The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says: “No, the other end.”

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A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“No, no, no!” insisted the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

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Obama & the Canadian PM

President Obama and the Canadian PM are shown a time machine which can see 50 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first: “What will the USA be like in 50 years’ time?”

The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out: “The country is in good hands under the new president, José Fernandez…. crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. Vice President Jin Tao has declared Chinese language mandatory in all American schools There are no worries.”

The Canadian PM thinks, “It’s not bad, this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks: “What will Canada be like in 50 years’ time?”

The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.

“Come on, David,” says Obama, “Tell us what it says.”

“I can’t! It’s all in Punjabi!”

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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, “You Sign! You sign!”

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhaust pipes. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. “You Sign! You sign!” Nelson says to him “Look, you’ve obviously got the wrong man” and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling, “You Sign! You sign!”

Mr Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by this point and he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting “Look, go away! You’ve got the wrong man! I don’t want them!” Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears another knock at the door. Upon opening he sees the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, “You Sign! You sign!”

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him “Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?” The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says “You not Nissan Main Dealer?”

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A jumbo jet is just coming into the airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom “This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay”.

Then he forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, “So skipper, watcha gonna do while we’re in town?”

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“Well,” says the captain, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap… then I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner… then I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and fuck her brains out.”

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to figure out which one is the new stewardess. Meanwhile that new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says “No need to hurry, dear. He’s gotta take a shit first!”

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Mrs Jones phones her estate agent to ask why he had valued her house at £150k when Mr Mohammed’s next door had been valued at £200k when they were exactly the same. He replied by telling her that Mr Mohammed didn’t live next door to a Paki…

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A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. “What’s the matter?” he asks. “I have a case of anal glaucoma” she says in a weak voice. “What the hell is anal glaucoma?” “I can’t see my ass coming into work today…”

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A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “relatives of yours?” “Yep” the husband replied “In-laws.”

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Thanks HN

Dear Family and Friends,

Most of you know I went in for a surgical procedure for a Butt Lift at the WalMart Medical Center.  I didn’t have the most pleasant experience.  I should’ve left well enough alone.

I wanted to show you how it turned out.  I hope this keeps YOU from having this done.

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE.    Don’t get a Butt Lift at the WalMart Medical Center. You will most certainly regret it!!!


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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a very large old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..

‘Go get your Mother’

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THE PILOT & THE PRIEST

Forget India and “fake” documents used by pilots to obtain CPL…… Even up there……….
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in RAY BAN sunglasses, a loud shirt ,a jacket with 4 gold stripes on the sleeve, and  jeans.Chitragupta addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’The guy replies, ‘I’m Capt. Hot Shot, retired INDIGO Airlines Pilot from Delhi, INDIA. Chitragupta consults his list.  He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it’s the priest’s turn.  He stands erect and booms out,

‘I am Sharmaji the Pujari, priest in Birla Temple at Delhi for the last 43 years.’

Chitragupta consults his list again. He says to the priest, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom”.

‘Just a minute,’ says the good pujari. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How can this be?’

Up here – we go by results,’ said Chitragupta. ‘When you preached –people slept.
When he flew, people prayed.’

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Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

“One day we should get her for this,” said the first boy.

“I agree. We’ll grab her…” said the second.

“Yeah,” said the third. “And then we’ll kick her in the nuts!”

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.”

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An old man was laying on his death bed.

With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.

With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man’s wife was baking chocolate chip cookies.

With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.

His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, “Leave them alone, they’re for the funeral!”

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One day in the forest, three guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden a huge pack of Indians attacked and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.

The chief then said “All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”

After a while the first man returned with ten apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with ten grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the ninth grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy asks the second, “Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!”

The second guy, still laughing, answered “I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples and I just lost it…”

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A tourist in Vienna is traipsing through a graveyard when he starts to hear music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. “Don’t you get it?” the caretaker says incredulously. “He’s decomposing!

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Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. “To remove that vibrator,” said the doctor, “I’m going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation.” “I don’t think I can afford that,” said Sally. “Could you just replace the batteries?”

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There’s a woman sitting at home on the veranda with her husband drinking glass of wine and she says; “I love you.” He asks “Is that you or the wine talking?” She replies “It’s me… talking to the wine.”

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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies, “Its Keith the dwarf!”

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Thanks HN

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.

She said, ‘What does that mean?’

He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot’.

She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’

He said– I’m Just Kidding—!!! : )

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Good one Sesh. Thanks

Riding the Bus……

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business,
when the gorgeous woman next to him started to
breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said: “Come on, eat
it all up or … I’ll have to give it to this nice
man here.”
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding,
so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it
to this nice man here”
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out:
“Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to
get off four stops ago!”

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Once upon a time there was a man with a 25 inch penis. Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man was not.

So one day his friend told him about a witch who could help him. The friend gave the man the witch’s address and the next day he visited her.

After telling the witch his problems she asked to see his penis. After showing her, she thought for a while and finally came up with an answer. “Go into the woods and find a frog. Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic jewels will shrink 5 inches.”

The man quickly ran to the woods. After searching for an hour he finally found a frog. He ran up to it and asked it to marry him. “NO thank you!” the frog said.

The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches to 20. The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no.

Once he was at 15 inches he thought 10 inches would be perfect, so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him.

The frog replied “How many times do I have to tell you…. NO! NO! NO!”

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I went up to this girl, and tried to charm her by saying, “Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it’s too long.” She said, “Oh what a coincidence, I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you’ll never get it.”

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. “What’s wrong?” gasps her best friend Carol. “It’s my boyfriend,” gushes Judi. “He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!” “My god,” shrieks Carol. “Did it chop off his WHOLE finger!?” “No thank goodness,” sniffs Judi. “It was the one just next to it!”

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, “What happened to the other five condoms?” His nervous reply was, “Err… I masturbated with them.” Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?” “Yeah, once or twice,” he told her. “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?” she asked. “Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”

*********************************************************

Thanks Sesh… this one’s great!

Three Italian dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up a conversation.    The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said,  ” So why are you here ? “

The Black Lab replied, ” I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the  sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.    But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The Yellow Lab said, ” So what’s the vet going to do ? “

” Gonna cut my nuts off ” came the reply from the Black Lab.
“They reckon it’ll calm me down.”

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked ” why are you here ? “

The Yellow Lab said, ” I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.  When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets.   But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners’ couch.”

” So what are they going to do to you ? ” the Black Lab inquired.

” Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, ” Why are you here ? “

” I’m a humper,” said the Great Dane.   “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.  I want to hump everything I see.”

Yesterday my mistress had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away.”

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a shocked glance and said, ” So, it’s off with your nuts too, huh ?”

The Great Dane said, ” No, apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped ! “

********************************************************

Thanks Sesh.

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, “SIR, WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?”
THE OLD FARMER SAID, “THAT’S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.”
“I’M SORRY SIR,” SAID THE TICKET AGENT. “WE CAN’T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER.”

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.  THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.  THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

“MARGE, “WHISPERED MILDRED. “WHAT?” SAID MARGE. “I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.”
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?” ASKED MARGE?
“HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT”, WHISPERED MILDRED.
“WELL, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT”, SAID MARGE.. “AT OUR AGE WE’VE SEEN ‘EM ALL”
“I THOUGHT SO TOO”, SAID MILDRED, “BUT THIS ONE’S EATIN’ MY POPCORN!”******************************************************

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

“Red – cherry”
“Yellow – lemon”
“Green – lime”
“Orange – orange”

Finally, the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.

“Well he said, “I’ll give you a clue, it’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: “Oh My God! – they’re assholes.”

***************************************************

What’s the difference between Batman and a Black man?

Batman can go into a store without robin!!

****************************************************

A tough looking gang of bikers were out riding when they spotted an attractive young lady about to jump off a bridge – so they stopped.

The gang leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit a suicide,” she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked, “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, she did, and it was a long, lingering, passionate kiss.

After she finished, the biker said, “Wow! That was the hottest kiss I have ever had.

That’s a real talent you’ll be wasting. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……”

*****************************************************

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry… we can fly just fine on two engines.”

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry … we still have one engine left.”

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

*************************************************************

HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:
Boat wouldn’t start, can’t figure it out, at least I got laid.

******************************************************************

What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby?

They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital. They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Elton said to David. “All these unhappy babies… and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!” The nurse said, “Oh sure, he’s happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!”

*************************************************************************

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on…

The first surgeon, from New York , says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.”

“If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there’d be a shortage of sand.” – Milton Friedman

********************************************************

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said,
“Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!”
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.
“Harder!” yelled Camilla, “Harder”.
Charles yelled back. “I’m trying, darling! But it’s just so bloody tight!”
“Come on! Give it all you’ve got!” she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
“There! Oh, God, that feels so good!”

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
“See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!”
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
“Oh, God, darling! This one’s even tighter!”
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
“That’s my boy who served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!”

*******************************************************

A group of friends, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

**********************************************************

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” He squirmed in his seat and admitted, “My dad sued me for the money.”

*********************************************************

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: “‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”.

The man below replied “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude”. “You must be an Engineer” said the balloonist. “I am” replied the man “how did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip with your talk.”

The man below responded “You must be in management”. “I am” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the man “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fucking fault.”

*******************************************************

Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they are tired and fall asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” the woman replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a fantastic idea!” he exclaims, with a huge smile on his face.

“Good,” she replies. “Now, get your own damn blanket!”

*******************************************************

A man walks up to a woman and asks, “Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?”

She quickly replies, “Yes.”

So then he asks, “Would you sleep with me for $20?”

Astounded by the question she says, “Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?”

He says, “Well we’ve already determined that. Now I’m just working on the price.”

*******************************************************

A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, “You’re not going to believe this, but I’ve got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She’s wearing me out!
Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won’t know you’re not me!”

His friend agrees and goes out to his car.

They climb into the back seat and start going at it.

A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. “What the hell do you two think you’re doing?”

The guy says, “Oh, there’s nothing wrong, she’s my wife.”

The cop says, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t know.”

The guy says “Neither did I until you shined that light in here.”

**********************************************************

Husband and WIFE are sitting quietly in bed reading, when the WIFE looks over at him and asks the question…..

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would?” (With a hurt look).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?”
HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”
WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: “No, she’s right-handed.”
WIFE: — silence —
HUSBAND: “Shit!!!”

***************************************************

Some politically incorrect ones…

Apparently due to all this political correctness bullshit I can’t say black paint any more. I must now say “Would you paint the wall Leroy, please?”

Just talked to a mate from the floods in Queensland. He said that since early this morning the floods are nearly waist high, it’s pissing down and wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing for hours but look through the kitchen window, she just stares. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

I got a new rifle and I decided to try it out – went hunting rabbits this morning. I got two in the head, one in the chest and another in the back leg. The woman in the pet shop went fucking mental!!

I got arrested at midnight on New Year’s Eve. I tried telling the cop that it was all a misunderstanding as when you see a Muslim shouting 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 you drop the cunt before he can reach the detonator.

What chance have we got to do a good job raising our kids when Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinocchio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. I guess we can’t blame then for rebelling when we’ve been teaching them to do it through bedtime stories!!

*******************************************************

God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.” Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?” God said, “Go down into that valley.” Adam said, “What’s a valley?” God explained it to him.

Then God said, “Cross the river.” Adam said, “What’s a river?” God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill….” Adam said, “What is a hill?”  So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, “On The other side of the hill you will find a Cave.” Adam said, “What’s a cave?” After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman.” Adam said, “What’s a woman?” So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, “I want you to procreate.” Adam said, “How do I do that?” “Geez…..” said God, and then, just like everything else, explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

About five minutes later Adam was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?” And Adam said… “What’s a headache?”

^^^^^

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, “What’s that for?”

“It’s for your headache.”

“I don’t have a headache.”

He replies, “Gotcha!”

***********************************************************


Dear Family and Friends,

.

Most of you know I went in for a surgical procedure for a Butt Lift at the WalMart Medical Center.  I didn’t have the most pleasant experience.  I should’ve left well enough alone.

.

I wanted to show you how it turned out.  I  hope this keeps YOU from having this done.

.

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE.    Don’t get a Butt Lift at the WalMart Medical Center .  You will most certainly regret it!!!

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About SS-28

Appreciator of everything captured through a lens
This entry was posted in Funny, Joke. Bookmark the permalink.

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