ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
AUTHOR: A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
BOSS: A personal dictator appointed for those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
CHILDHOOD: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
COMPROMISE: The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece.
CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
DENIAL: How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills with pills then kills you with bills.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
ETC: An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.
EXPERIENCE: In the working world, something you can’t get unless you’ve already got it, in which case you probably don’t want any more of it.
FATHER: The banker that nature provides.
FITNESS: Salvation through perspiration.
GOURMET: A food fetishist.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
HOOKER: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
JEANS: Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.
KLEPTOMANIAC: A thief with breeding.
LECTURE: The art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the lecturees without passing through the minds of either.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
NEIGHBOURS: The strangers who live next door.
OFFICE: A place where you can relax after a strenuous night at home.
ORGASM: The punchline some women just don’t get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.
PARASITE: A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.
QUAGMIRE: Any situation more easily entered into than exited from eg., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.
RAISIN: A grape with sunburn.
REDNECK: Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
TEARS: The means by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
VOTING: The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone.
WHITE SUPREMACISTS: The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.
X-RAY: A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Y-CHROMOSOME: A line of defective genes designed for men only.
ZOO: A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.