ACTUAL NEWS HEADLINES FROM AROUND THE WORLD
-MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER
If nothing else, he was talented.
-PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD
Surprisingly, this is a common cause of plane crashes.
-SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
No, really? Ya think?
-DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
-POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
-PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
Let’s hope he can do it!
-SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
I’m pretty sure there’s a law against that.
-MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
-JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
If all else fails…
-WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
I can see where it might have that effect!
-TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
Probably shouldn’t have been standing there.
-IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
-NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE
Sharing is caring.
-COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
Who would have thought!
-END TO FREE SCHOOL LOOMS
Long past due in my opinion.
-EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
Poor vision blamed.
-ENFIELD (LONDON) COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
They may be on to something!
-BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
How dare they!?
-REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
That’s how politics works isn’t it?
-RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma’s new construction program!
-SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
Well it’s not something you should rush. First time should be special right?
-MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: FACES BATTERY CHARGE
He probably IS the battery charge!
-PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
He is human after all.
-KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
Are they going to dig him up…?
-NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
Weren’t they fat enough?!
-IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
Can’t be greedy about these things.
-ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
-FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
-TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
Poor little ship.
-KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
Do they taste like chicken?
-SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS
Old habits die hard I guess.
-LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
-SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
A bit harsh maybe…
-HOSPITAL SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
Boy, are they tall!
-STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
I didn’t even realize the tree was looking.
-LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
Can you still eat them…?
-TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
Did I read that right?
-SHOT OFF WOMAN’S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
Where do I get one??