With the American response to the Queen… after this threat
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
and now the American response…
To Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II from the citizens of the United States of America:
Nice try, you senile old bitch. In case you haven’t noticed (and with your disintegrating economy I can understand why) we currently have a Harvard educated, Constitutional scholar as our sitting President; he certainly has better credentials than that poofter Cameron.
Therefore, should you still feel the need to attempt revocation (look it up in the New Webster’s American Dictionary; or just let Microsoft check it for you…by the way, you do know there is an i, rather than an asterisk in the word) bring it on; we are not Argentina, and you aren’t trying for the Falklands (if you need sheep to fuck, get them from Scotland…you already own it, and no one else wants it).
We have reviewed your asinine list of rules. Following are the reasons the list of rules will not go into effect (besides the fact that if you send anyone over here to attempt enforcement, we shall return said enforcer in the appropriate attire…a body bag.
1. Read beyond the pronunciation guide when looking up aluminum. You will find that the inventor (a Brit) chose the word aluminum as the correct and proper appellation for his discovery. It was much later that pompous, ego inflated, elitist British editors decided to arbitrarily change the word because they felt that it did not fit in with the spelling of the other elements (I assume the editors did not want to offend the other elements).
2. The letter ‘u’ will not be re-inserted into words in which it does not belong. Should Her Majesty wish to spell “color” with an ‘ou’ in order to honor her pansy French roots, that is her prerogative; it’s not happening in America. And, as for the way we spell donut, it is our word; invented by the American writer Washington Irving. We still cannot understand how you got surprise out of prize.
3. Apparently, when noticing only twenty-seven words of a vocabulary, you must focus on ‘like,’ and ‘you know,’ as phrases you understand. This makes sense as the phrases surely grew from the British penchant for interspersing language with the mindless ‘pip, pip,’ and ‘tut, tut;’ themselves being too lazy to search for proper adverbs.
4. Any attempt at subverting the Nation’s Birthday will be met with the same resistance that lost the British Empire this particular Crown jewel in the first place.
5. We have attempted to resolve all personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists, and we discovered that we are as avers to becoming British pansies as we are to becoming French pansies. You, again, apparently do not understand our relationship with firearms. We do only shoot grouse…you grouse, and we shoot.
6. You are obviously not familiar with the danger from innocuous objects, or you would never infer the lack of danger posed by a deadly device such as a potato-peeler; a box cutter took down the World Trade Center.
7. We will ignore your inane request for roundabouts and driving on the left side of the highway, as it is one of two well established facts about the British, worldwide; they are unable to produce anything edible beyond ‘fish and chips,’ and they have no sense of humor.
8. The U.S. will not be paying what the British pay for gasoline (petrol is a diminution of petroleum, which is the overall term for a variety of products, among which is gasoline…be specific bitch) because we, unlike you, produce and refine petroleum into gasoline, of which we have vast reserves.
9. For someone who knows less that nothing about food (the best you could come up with for meat was to boil it…really?) you should not be providing culinary tips. What you call crisps are indeed chips, because they are named for what they look like…a chip (just what does a ‘crisp’ look like?) We will continue to acknowledge the French contribution to the fried potato by referring to same as what they are, ‘French Fries,” (from pom frit…fried potatoes).
10. Until you are able to brew a lager with the quality of a Stella Artois, or Kroenenborg, you will stop pretending that anyone one the planet actually enjoys warm beer (you are aware that in the twenty-first century the use of refrigeration is commonplace worldwide, are you not?). We have tasted South African brews and can only report that they taste like apartheid…bitter and weak.
11. Hollywood has been unable to find a Brit with straight and white enough teeth to portray a ‘good guy.’ Rather than casting English actors (who have the technique of a dancer with a stick up his arse) we shall assume (as we do in other multilingual films) that we are hearing the language in the vernacular. Listening to Andie MacDowell is no worse than listening to Elton John winge about Madonna.
12. We will stop playing football when the futballers worldwide go back to playing their game as it was invented, with a human head rather than a rubber ball. We play rugby and find it to be a mildly physical endeavor. Do not assume that merely because your nancy boys are regularly beaten by the South African and Kiwi nancy boys, that you are playing a violent sport, or that they can thrash anyone else…you might get a bloody nose playing tiddlywinks, should you get hit with a tiddlywink (potential for violence is everywhere).
13. We agree to stop playing baseball…it is boring. However, you must first stop inventing statistics (2.1% indeed) and acknowledge that baseball is a worldwide sport…it is regularly played by everyone, of every continent except Europe. And don’t ever bring up a game that can last for days and that calls the pitcher the ‘bowler.’
14. If we told you who assassinated JFK we would have to kill you.
15. Send us your tax collector, with a retroactive tax bill back to 1776. Just one thing though…you do remember what happened the last time don’t you?
16. We already smoke tea every afternoon. What’re the cups for?
God Save the Queen
(especially if she mucks about with the U.S.A.)